Musings

Redirection.

It’s been since September when the ball of my previous injured ankle foot started bothering me. I had always been one to “push through” pain or things and was taught that someone always had it worse and that I should always strive to keep going, so keep going I did. Then in November my other foot started having nerve issues, I was scared, as nothing like this had happened before and it started impacting my left foot shortly thereafter. Since at this point my only source of income was through the since closed, Raven Haven, I kept on dancing and creating Fae Soul Art to sell there. I had xrays, ultrasounds and due to covid NO Dr’s actually saw my feet or looked at them. Still I kept hiking through the pain and dancing whenever the pain would subside.

Now it’s almost June.

I haven’t been able to bear weight on my feet without thick padded shoes since March. Even with shoes I can only stand for about 30mins MAX until I have to sit back down and ice my feet. The fat padding on the bottom of my feet continues to thin, even though I’ve been legit CRAWLING around my apartment for 9 weeks now. Sigh, my ankle never properly healed either and due to these undiagnosed foot issues I haven’t been capable of doing the physio treatments for my ankle. I got rid of my car last spring and I live on an escarpment so getting into nature hasn’t been possible. None of my friends that live in the area have offered to even come by or help. It has truly shown me who actually cares in my life and who doesn’t. As an example I’ve had Taylor driving from hours away to bring me things and friends that I used to see all the time do absolutely nothing….. they also reach out to ask me to dance or hike which just makes me realize how self-absorbed most people truly are.

I had men that claimed to have legitimate feelings for me NEVER once ask about my feet or offer to help me, but jump at the opportunity to be sexually intimate with me, to which I ended up removing them from my life. My ex husband and father of my children has been super helpful and the friends showing me with their actions that they care have been holding me together. I still focus on what I CAN do and 90% of the time maintain positivity in my own right but today I’m breaking down. My Fae Soul is shattering. I’m unsure if my feet will ever recover and I’m scared because I don’t know what’s happening to my body. I won’t see the neurologist till end of June and the Orthopaedic surgeon till August. Everyday upon waking up I have to put running shoes on just to stand and then after doing normal things like brushing my teeth and washing my face I have to ice my feet while having my morning coffee. I spend almost ALL of my time alone, inside my apartment and it’s been super humbling and enlightening to witness myself in this situation.

I have regrets that I kept hiking and dancing not fully understanding I was probably causing my fat pads to atrophy. I didn’t really understand that was what was happening until it was too late. Now I can feel the bones through my foot and can’t even wear anything other than thick runners. As someone who used to hike and dance through the forest in bare feet this is soul shattering. I didn’t get to forage for Trout Lilies, Periwinkle or Leeks this year, nor visit any of the Trees that I have forged such deep bonds with, as I sit here, in the watery grave I’ve created for myself.

I’ve had to really get clear on my personal boundaries and even decline some peoples offers to take me to nature because I was so aware that if I did say yes I would be using them for that. So it’s also really allowed me to honour who and what I want in my personal space. I’ve booted all but 60 accounts out of my private instagram and continue to pull my own Essence BACK from the Collective Skeksis that I’m now realizing were just feeding off me for their own pleasure and gain.

I think the most painful part was the men. I’ve been single for years now and dating has proven to be almost impossible. Once I tell people my current state they ghost out. Not even a decline or a message; just gone. It’s truly showing me that most people only care about the external. As I type these words I’m sad. I’m just sad. It’s sad to be here, witnessing consciously and watching the world just show you what it means to be human.

I appreciate and feel so much gratitude for the few individuals that have been here for me, even across the Ocean, this whole time. I wish to once day be able to dance in the Trees again. I wish to one day have someone who actually likes me for who I am inside, not the external and I wish that I could go back in time and make different choices. However, now I sit here, wondering why? Why is this happening and what is the redirection? what is this all showing me?

Sigh, until next time…

~ Raven

1 thought on “Redirection.”

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